The whole reason I write this blog is because I feel its a place I can be honest about how I feel, even if its a small drama getting me down. Like most people I can struggle with my self confidence on occasion. Ive written about it on this blog before and if I'm honest its an ongoing problem.
It feels like it strikes out of nowhere, one moment I'm this cool, sassy, fierce girl whos got her shit together and the next I'm curled up in bed bawling my eyes out about how the world and their mother hate me.

With hindsight I can usually see a negative cycle of behavior that warns of an impending meltdown but this time was different. If you take a look at the previous posts on this that I've linked above you can see its been a while since this has bothered me and I was starting to think I was making real progress with how I see myself.

One tiny little thing bothered and suddenly I was upset beyond any reason. I know we all get days like this, where you feel on the verge of tears about nothing. And if I'm honest it probably was one of 'those days' combined with hormones. But even so I don't normally let it get this out of hand.

This happened last week and its taken me a while to decide what I wanted to write about with it. I think what I learnt from this particular time was that actually its ok to get upset about things. Normally everything looks better after you sleep on it, but this time when I woke up I found I was still beating myself up about it. I got up early and sat by myself with a cup of tea for a bit. I allowed myself to cry and feel all the emotions that go with one of these low moments. I decided to cut myself some slack for not being perfect and I immediately felt better. After an hour or so I had pulled myself back together.

We're only human and we our emotions are not always rational but that's ok. The world would be pretty boring if we all acted in a perfectly predictable way. Everyone has moments of self doubt so we are not alone in how we feel. I'm writing this post to say that I am ok with having the odd moment where I act like a crazy person because I know that everytime I overcome one of these moments I am making more and more progress. All we can ever aim for is to improve.

Making decisions is hard

First off, apologies for not being so good with making posts. I've had a busy week with working and stuff and y'know life just got in the way.

I wanted to write this post because I've been feeling really on edge and stressed all day. I've been on the verge of tears a fair bit too and that's not my normal happy state. Its taken me most of the day to work out why I'm upset and I think thats because I'm feeling very conflicted lately.

I've written about this quite a bit on this blog before but its clearly still bothering me so I am going to to write about it again.

Without boasting, in general I think my life is great. For me personally I feel like I have pretty much everything I want. Now this might not measure up to other peoples standards but I'm not going to get into that in this post. The important thing is its my life and I am happy with it.

Oddly though I think that might be the cause of why I was feeling upset. Before you judge me and think WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT BEING HAPPY let me explain.

In general I would say its the people in my life who bring me the most happiness and the experiences I have shared with them are memories that I treasure. I am incredibly lucky to have so many wonderful people around me. But choosing who to spend time with and trying to justify my priorities to everyone can leave me feeling exhausted.

I know I should just do what I want. But life is not that simple. I have responsibilities such as work and uni that restrict what free time I have and a large amount of people to divide that limited time between.

Put simply I am fed up with having to choose. I am tired of having to sacrifice time spent with everyone and trying to calculate in my head who I should be prioritizing at the moment. Sometimes I have to make difficult decisions and I then spent a huge amount of time worrying I made the wrong one. Whatever I decide I inevitably end up upsetting somebody. But most of all I upset myself because I simply cannot please everyone.

Sometimes it feels like I am so busy trying to do what everyone else wants there isn't much time left for things I want to do. Perhaps I need to be firmer but I find it hard saying no to people I care about.

So yeah. This was a bit of a rambly post but I feel better for having written it down. I'm sure I can't be the only person who this affects so I would love to hear if anyone has any advice on how they cope with it.

Picture from Pinterest

My Self Confidence Lapse

If in doubt, wear red

Back at the beginning of the month I wrote about the self confidence crisis I have been in the grip of for the past year or so without realising. It had been slowly getting worse and over the past 6 weeks or so I've been making an effort to put myself back together.

I've been making more effort with my appearance and this helps me feel braver as I know I look good on the outside even when I feel small on the inside.

This time last week I had a bit of a lapse. I spent the day in bed crying and starting the same negative cycle of being horrible to myself.
I felt I was disgusting, ugly, worthless and why the hell would anyone want to be friends with me? I wasted a whole precious day lying in bed, listening to Taylor Swift and crying. All because I didn't have enough faith in myself to accept that the people around me love me and want to be with me.

Looking back now I feel stupid and I can see that the person with the problem is me. I need to work on the way I perceive myself and to give less of a shit about what other people think about me.

I need to follow my own advice. I am always the first to encourage other people to do what they want and not let fear of others judging hold them back. When it comes to myself however I worry endlessly. It is such a pointless waste of my energy. My Mum said to me the other day I will end up with 'Worried too much about what others thought' on my gravestone. It scared me because its true. I am allowing it to take over my life and its starting to define who I as a person.

But I see that this small hiccup is an essential part of my recovery. There are going to be good and bad days and they have to be embraced equally. Without the darker days I would not appreciate the amazing ones and recognize that even in this short time period I have made some progress.

I've also come up with a plan to put into action for when particular scenarios get me down and this has helped me to relax and stop stressing.

All in all I think I am doing well. I am proud of myself. That was hard to write, but the fact I was able to shows I have made progress.

How to cope when you are just annoyed for no reason

We all the know the feeling, its like PMS but you're not close enough to your next period to cash in this excuse. Everyone is annoying you. If one more person says something you fear you might actually punch someone in the face. The truth is nobody is doing anything wrong and you are on a short fuse because you are in a bad mood. Its that simple.

I'm not the only person who gets like this right? You know thats its all in your head but you just keep getting more and more frustrated. You know that there is no reason you are annoyed, its just you having a bad day.

Yesterday was one of those days for me. I was so annoyed with everything I couldn't even bring myself to write this post on the actual day. The things that conspired to annoy me yesterday included:

- The olive oil on top of the fridge falling off and spilling everywhere when I slammed the fridge door 2 minutes before I had to leave.
- Dropping my pill just before I took it and having to scramble around looking for it at the bus stop.
- Being unable to find my keys as they were hiding in the depths of my bag so I had to practically upend it to locate them.
- My tights having a ladder in them and they are my last semi decent pair.
- It was raining.

Woe is me right? Getting irritated about things is fine once in a while, hey I'm only human. But if I'm being mean to the people I care about just because I got up on the wrong side of the bed then I need to get myself back in a sunny mood. As a fairly temperamental person (who has recently had to change pills because of the horrific mood swings it gave me) I have developed some tried and tested techniques.

1. Alone time. Just spent a little bit of time on your own and compose yourself. Yesterday I went and laid on my bed in a T-shirt and pants and did nothing for 10 minutes. I felt instantly calmer. Just being by yourself allows you to calm down, breathe and remember you are getting annoyed about nothing.

2. Get your comfiest PJs on and a cup of tea. Just sit in bed and play some calming music. Do it properly and put on some fluffy socks with a big jumper. If you happen to have some Hagen Daz then it is time to break it out.

3. Put down your phone. Stop looking at facebook or instagram because social media involves people and that is a sure fire way to get yourself all pissed off again. You do not need to see that annoying girl from school got engaged or that your relation is off on some amazing holiday. Save that for when you are human again or you might end up smashing your precious phone.

4. If you feel like the irritation is about to explode out of you then write it down. I keep a diary and it really helps. I worry that one day my Great-Grandchildren might find it and think I'm a really angry cow as I only tend to reach for it when I'm feeling upset about something. On good days I am too busy living life to write it down. But if it helps then do it. Then hide it somewhere good. Nobody needs to know the horrid thoughts that go through your mind during one of these days.

5. Watch Harry Potter. We are the HP generation and there is something so soothing about losing yourself in Harry's troubles. Once you remember that you aren't tasked with killing Voldemort your minor dramas don't really matter anymore.

6. Once you are feeling better, arrange to see your friends. I always feel low after I've calmed down and spending time with other people really helps shift that uneasy feeling that I've wasted my day. I spent the evening with my mapping buddies and we made lasagne. Totally cheered me up even though I didn't feel like going at first, but I'm glad I did.

My Self Confidence Crisis

I'm going to be honest here and admit that recently I've been having a bit of a self confidence crisis.
Its actually been going on for quite some time, and has been steadily getting worse.

I've been feeling exceptionally worthless and like I wasn't worth anyone's time. I couldn't understand how anyone wanted to be friends with me or why they would enjoy my company. I felt undeserving of my good friends, lovely boyfriend and incredible family. I didn't deserve happiness. I was useless and everyone's life would be better if I just kept to myself and didn't bother anyone.

Now I can see that stress was probably the catalyst for this. I doubted I would be able to complete the huge challenge set for me and that made me doubt myself. But in truth my workload was not entirely to blame. It merely exacerbated a problem that had been threatening to rear its ugly head for some time. The problem was me and with how I viewed myself. I didn't feel good enough to enjoy my own life and I was too worried about what other people thought of me. In short: I had stopped liking myself.

This is not the first time I have gone through this. In fact I would say that underneath despite whatever front I put on I feel shy and incompetent. However if you ask people who know me they would disagree with that statement and say I am confident and competent. My coping strategy has had to be 'fake it til you make it' and over the years I have got better at convincing myself as well as others. So even if I don't feel confident inside, I am usually secure in the knowledge I am fooling others. This helps me cope.

Every few years, it gets out of hand and I sink into the dark horrible place I described above. I would not say I was depressed or mentally ill, just insecure and unconfident in myself. I've pulled myself out of this with my Mums help every time and she has been equally supportive this time. Its hard work, but worth it.

I spent so many hours crying over the past few months and being utterly horrid to myself. By doing this I was just making everything worse. Eventually I spoke to my family and friends and once they understood they have been a great help. The key was in recognizing there was nothing wrong with my life, but there was something wrong with ME. And it was all in the way I viewed myself.

Now 2 weeks after starting to talk about it I feel a lot better. I've been making more an effort with my appearance which is always good for your self confidence. I've also treated myself to a few new things as as reward for pulling through and not giving up. I'm starting to see myself and my life in a different light.

Don't get me wrong, I still have the odd moment where I lapse and start to feel like I'm not good enough but I keep reminding myself how damn awesome I really am.
I'm not perfect but I'm still fun to be around and the people around me like me for who I am. And do you know what? I deserve that, because I deserve to happy as much as everyone else.

I've written this post to remind myself of that and to help anyone else out there who might be feeling crappy inside. You can feel better, you just need to find someone to talk to. Once you start talking to people, they usually admit they feel the same way. You are not alone. And we are all incredible.

Why the university system is backwards

I would like to start this post off by saying I actually really love my uni, and have really enjoyed the past three years here. I am not trying to slate the University of Southampton and I am proud to be a part of it. BUT there are major issues with the way that the university system works overall. Often these are to the detriment of their students and in my opinion that has serious repercussions for society.

I believe the problem lies in the backwards approach that universities take and this particularly affects Russel Group Universities. They focus on bringing in people to teach who are leaders in their field and then use this to draw in students. How many of you have seen on a university website about the 'ground breaking research being done' or this lecturer has just been awarded some prize for being the biggest smarty pants? If your uni is anything like mine (or the numerous others that I have looked at) then I would bet its quite often. After all this is the whole idea on which Russel Group Universities (including the University of Southampton) are based.

Now this seems like a good idea, because you want the next generation to be trained by the best people in their field. As a result, people often choose universities based on how good their research is in their particular area of study. I myself am among those people. The Ocean and Earth Science department at the University of Southampton is considered to be one of the best in the world and that certainly made me want to apply. I wanted to be able to say I had graduated with my geology degree from Southampton and for people to think 'Wow, she must have a good degree then'. The leading research they do creates respect for the institution.

In order for Southampton to maintain its reputation it must employ the top researchers for a particular subject and they attract these people to their uni by having a research based ethos. The idea being: 'Come to our uni and teach our students but you get to carry on your research using our incredible facilities'. Now by this point you are probably thinking: isn't the whole point of a university is to do research? That is where I would argue you are wrong.

To me, it feels like my university (and many others) have forgotten they are an institution of learning primarily as they are too focused on their research. Being taught by the top people within their profession sounds great, but these people are academics and often do not have the people skills that are needed to be a good teacher. Now I appreciate that you need to be at least a bit of an expert to teach at university level but it often feels like my uni gives no thought as to whether or not these people have the ABILITY to teach, not just the knowledge.

The other problem is lecturing is not most member of staffs priority. Their research comes first and their teaching second, maybe even lower depending on what other responsibilities they have. This is something that I feel particularly affects Ocean and Earth Science. Within the National Oceanography Centre where OES is based there are people who are paid just to do research and people who research as well as lecture. This means that in order to keep up with their colleagues lecturers have to do a lot of extra work. If they cannot stay at the fore front of science our university will not be interested in employing them anymore (not any other uni). Its no wonder then that as a student it can feel like a lot of lecturers can't be bothered or don't really care.

This I think is the fundamental problem: that universities do not consider being a good teacher to be important. As an undergrad who is paying NINE THOUSAND POUNDS A YEAR for the privilege to be here I would say this is not acceptable. The university system is providing a service for me, but I cannot afford to simply take my custom elsewhere as I have invested too much money in it. Also, the fact is that society says I need a degree. If I want to get a job and earn myself enough money to enjoy my life then I need that precious piece of paper. There is no alternative for getting it other than going through the university system. So I am trapped like millions of others by this situation and I wish I had the power to change it.

I am not saying that university should be exactly like schools but I do think that a lecturer should be accountable for our education in the same way that teachers are for their pupils. If all of a teachers class fails an exam, then questions are raised. It does not appear to be that way for lecturers in my experience.

Now there are some genuinely very talented lecturers at my uni who are passionate about their teaching. One of them is so good that he was the runner up for the best lecturer out of the entire university. But even for them it must play second fiddle to their research because their very job depends on it.

I would love to see universities move towards employing lecturer who actually WANT to teach and who are actually good at it. After all, the people they are teaching could one day go on to be the world renowned expert. But they will never reach such lofty heights if they do not receive the correct support during their undergrad degree.

So in conclusion universities need to stop putting the cart before the horse and focus more on teaching their students actual stuff and less on how many papers they published this year. Otherwise their might not be anyone to teach it in the future. If someone could just grant me some super powers and I'll fix all this in a jiffy.

Rant over.