Its actually been going on for quite some time, and has been steadily getting worse.
I've been feeling exceptionally worthless and like I wasn't worth anyone's time. I couldn't understand how anyone wanted to be friends with me or why they would enjoy my company. I felt undeserving of my good friends, lovely boyfriend and incredible family. I didn't deserve happiness. I was useless and everyone's life would be better if I just kept to myself and didn't bother anyone.
Now I can see that stress was probably the catalyst for this. I doubted I would be able to complete the huge challenge set for me and that made me doubt myself. But in truth my workload was not entirely to blame. It merely exacerbated a problem that had been threatening to rear its ugly head for some time. The problem was me and with how I viewed myself. I didn't feel good enough to enjoy my own life and I was too worried about what other people thought of me. In short: I had stopped liking myself.
This is not the first time I have gone through this. In fact I would say that underneath despite whatever front I put on I feel shy and incompetent. However if you ask people who know me they would disagree with that statement and say I am confident and competent. My coping strategy has had to be 'fake it til you make it' and over the years I have got better at convincing myself as well as others. So even if I don't feel confident inside, I am usually secure in the knowledge I am fooling others. This helps me cope.
Every few years, it gets out of hand and I sink into the dark horrible place I described above. I would not say I was depressed or mentally ill, just insecure and unconfident in myself. I've pulled myself out of this with my Mums help every time and she has been equally supportive this time. Its hard work, but worth it.
I spent so many hours crying over the past few months and being utterly horrid to myself. By doing this I was just making everything worse. Eventually I spoke to my family and friends and once they understood they have been a great help. The key was in recognizing there was nothing wrong with my life, but there was something wrong with ME. And it was all in the way I viewed myself.
Now 2 weeks after starting to talk about it I feel a lot better. I've been making more an effort with my appearance which is always good for your self confidence. I've also treated myself to a few new things as as reward for pulling through and not giving up. I'm starting to see myself and my life in a different light.
Don't get me wrong, I still have the odd moment where I lapse and start to feel like I'm not good enough but I keep reminding myself how damn awesome I really am.
I'm not perfect but I'm still fun to be around and the people around me like me for who I am. And do you know what? I deserve that, because I deserve to happy as much as everyone else.
I've written this post to remind myself of that and to help anyone else out there who might be feeling crappy inside. You can feel better, you just need to find someone to talk to. Once you start talking to people, they usually admit they feel the same way. You are not alone. And we are all incredible.
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