My Self Confidence Lapse

If in doubt, wear red

Back at the beginning of the month I wrote about the self confidence crisis I have been in the grip of for the past year or so without realising. It had been slowly getting worse and over the past 6 weeks or so I've been making an effort to put myself back together.

I've been making more effort with my appearance and this helps me feel braver as I know I look good on the outside even when I feel small on the inside.

This time last week I had a bit of a lapse. I spent the day in bed crying and starting the same negative cycle of being horrible to myself.
I felt I was disgusting, ugly, worthless and why the hell would anyone want to be friends with me? I wasted a whole precious day lying in bed, listening to Taylor Swift and crying. All because I didn't have enough faith in myself to accept that the people around me love me and want to be with me.

Looking back now I feel stupid and I can see that the person with the problem is me. I need to work on the way I perceive myself and to give less of a shit about what other people think about me.

I need to follow my own advice. I am always the first to encourage other people to do what they want and not let fear of others judging hold them back. When it comes to myself however I worry endlessly. It is such a pointless waste of my energy. My Mum said to me the other day I will end up with 'Worried too much about what others thought' on my gravestone. It scared me because its true. I am allowing it to take over my life and its starting to define who I as a person.

But I see that this small hiccup is an essential part of my recovery. There are going to be good and bad days and they have to be embraced equally. Without the darker days I would not appreciate the amazing ones and recognize that even in this short time period I have made some progress.

I've also come up with a plan to put into action for when particular scenarios get me down and this has helped me to relax and stop stressing.

All in all I think I am doing well. I am proud of myself. That was hard to write, but the fact I was able to shows I have made progress.